I am water fasting...
To take back my power.
Yep, it is what it sounds like: only drinking water and I have decided to go for 5 days, while listening to my intuition if I need to make any adjustments or shorten the time.
For years, I’ve experienced binge-eating as a way of numbing. This typically happens during times of big transition, I will spend hours eating endlessly, mindlessly. Hours pass before I finally look in the mirror to see a 5-month preggo belly, ready to pass out for the rest of the day, and depleted with self defeat.
These hours of void are typically avoiding the work that I care deeply about, that lights me up, excites me, and is in alignment with my purpose and passion. It’s SO MESSED UP. The flow-state that puts me in my most creative space will be on fire one day, and the next can be overwhelmed and replaced by numbing this power through food.
So today, I got really quiet after 2 hours in the kitchen, relentlessly opening the refrigerator door and picking at whatever I could. Trust me, consumption gets very interesting at this point… coconut yogurt, mixed with Tahini, & raw cacao…. I mean, WTF, it feels like another entity takes over all of my willpower and I could start eating butter straight from the package to avoid whatever the truth of the matter is.
This is one of the only times that my mind goes numb and I feel weak. Weak in my confidence that I am on my highest path, weak in my ability to provide for myself. When my mind does turn on after an episode of being absorbed by the kitchen, comparison kicks in, as do the doubts. I feel inadequate… in my business, in relationships, in my appearance. My physical radiance visibly drains.
And do you know who loves this?
My mother-f*cking ego.
In times of up-leveling, the subconscious mind gets worried… her identity might be threatened.
In this current scenario, I am amidst transitioning to fully 100% supporting myself through my own business, not on the payroll of anyone else’s. I've decided to let go of my safe backup for finances in order to open up the space of creating the real alchemy that wants to be expressed through me. So now if I have a ‘lazy’ month of managing the marketing, sales, and actual production of my services & offerings, my bank account - aka what I have attached my security to - is directly affected. The best part of this path of soulful entrepreneurialism in the coaching and retreat space is that oftentimes your sales can be tied to ME and MY WORTH - not a reality, but we're on a roll of admitting all of the mental games at play here.
Truly, this is all f*cking amazing to be able to see the magnetism of my own energy field that I strengthen daily and I know is a divinely, Goddess beast that DOES result in luscious financial abundance… but I have to tell you when I’m asked to step into my power in a bigger way than ever before, the old subconscious stories of Not-Enoughness / needing to rely on others for security / not believing in my capacity are triggered, as well as the fears of my core wounds of financial scarcity being activated, the ego & self sabotage patterns be coming in hot like:
So after a few hours of this ridiculous-ness in the kitchen of avoiding the fears for the 6th day this week, sabotaging my efforts of dispelling my Karmic woes and unleashing my Dharmic path brighter than ever before, I put my big-girl pants on, removed myself from this now-dreadful kitchen and Matthew Hussey Youtube vids that have absorbed me for the past 2 hours...
I finally silenced my distractions to go inwards, I quieted my mind - not in the numbing way this time - but to actually take look at what’s going on inside causing these triggers. When I went inside and simply asked, this is when the Ego told me exactly what they were doing:
This form of self-sabotage hinders me from my creative flow-state, my power, my service for a mission much larger than myself, because when I am binge-eating, I feel lousy, exhausted, unable to fulfill my responsibilities that I have gratefully and graciously created for myself. This Self Sabotage results in 1. Validating the Ego identity of not being enough and 2. If the patterns continued, keep me safe, small, and comfortable because I’ll see that it’s just easier to be employed on someone else’s payroll, instead of walking in my own divine powers that I have had magical experiences (glimpses when I see what it could be). And that yes, acknowledgement that sometimes this also means bringing on fear - which FYI is the SAME physiological chemical as excitement - pretty cool, right?
SO, from this awareness of my Higher Self looking at my Ego, from my compassionate, neutral mind, my experience switched into:
Answering the Call
You see, I think things like this (my binge-eating self sabotage patterns), when looked at from our neutral minds, a place of compassion and genuinely wanting to find what is beneath the surface - what is actually going on to activate the subconscious response - can be immensely healing along our karmic paths.
And in those moments of recognizing your power, your caliber for excellence to not give in the subconscious self-sabotage but instead, standing up against it and defending your greatness, these are the moments of Answering the Call from the Universe and your Higher Self. And I am so ready to take it head-on, the Universe doesn't have to deliver trying lessons to knock me further into my authenticity because I'm ready to take it on, simply by stepping into my strength and power - not back into the comfortable.
Let me explain further.. this core wound of scarcity is easily a karmic pattern meant to be experienced and evolved in this lifetime, but it’s up to me to decide to let the pattern keep playing out time after time...
But you know what? I decided this time, and before it went too far annihilating my momentum, that I was going to get a grip on this. (PS: fun fact, our ‘grip strength’ is apparently the biggest indicator of our life expectancy, so getting a grip on our own bad habits is not a bad idea!)
So, you know, this water fast might not even be necessary at this point after identifying WTF was at the root of my binge-eating the last 6 days, but I’m still going to do it for the numerous other health benefits, to optimize my system, and deepen into more of the clarity that wants to come through.
In conclusion, I thank my Ego for trying to protect me and have a little message...
XX, with much love from Yours Truly - Higher Self Divine Goddess Mel.
It's true, we don't need to hate on the Ego or destroy it, after all it has saved our lives and our species many times over, but we just want to be able to work with it. To bring it on board with our best selves to live our vibrant, best lives. Those fears and insecurities are part of us attempting to protect us, ultimately from death. In merging with those fearful shadow sides and sending them love and understanding, we can transmute the low vibes into empowered ones... after all, EVERYTHING'S GOING TO BE (MORE THAN) ALL RIGHT, always, always. Even if this new chapter of life results in some obstacles, perceived 'failures', or times of lower financial income.
So besides the journey of facing your Ego and bringing your subconscious beliefs up to high-caliber standards, let's explore why else Fasting can be so amazing (despite the current coffee-withdrawal I'm experiencing!)
Other Benefits of Fasting
Fasting has been part of all spiritual traditions for many reasons, and from my experience of fasting, it’s been a time to really look at our truths. So often we are hiding behind distractions going along with the day-to-day practically sleep-walking. During a fast, we are forced to slow down from lower energy so we can shift our focus to re-invest in our intentions and use this as a time to recalibrate the big picture goals, as we energetically and physically clear space and create a void for the new. I like to consciously replace the time I’d be eating with additional meditation and rest for my body to restore.
Perhaps you are well aware of how the body holds memory of patterns which causes us to loop the same thought patterns (mostly on a subconscious level) because it's like a muscle-memory pattern: the body response tells which neural peptides to fire off, so we act and experience the same emotions/feelings/behaviors. During fasting, we release years of buildup in the intestinal lining (keep in mind the gut is our second brain delivering messages to indicate which neuropeptides to release) and also gives an opportunity for deep regeneration of our cells (through a process called Autophagy). Intuitively, I infer and based upon personal experience, this disruption of the status quo can do some really beautiful work on breaking up those pesky body-mind looping patterns that no longer serve us.
Other reasons I’m stoked for the Water Fast:
To simplify my days, get back on track, to not distract myself - especially by the habit of over-complicating food as an escape and/or distraction.
Clean out my system of any parasites (this happens A LOT living in Indonesia - almost everyone tests positive for this, so a periodic cleanse is very beneficial).
Put a hard boundary around caffeine. I went 2 months without coffee, optimized my Chi (natural life force energy) more so than ever in my life, and it was incredibly empowering, feeding my confidence in my abilities and in my body. I’ve been back to drinking coffee now every day for 6 weeks or so and I want to get back to this natural vitality.
Use this time to deepen my spiritual practice.
Clear my skin - the Liver gets overworked from over-eating, consuming overly complex meals, stress, caffeine, sugar, etc. and water-fasting will allow heaps of restoration to take place.
Generally optimize the system through the process of Autophagy - it's like the cells eating away the bad stuff and recycling into new, fresh cells.
Prove again to myself how strong I am mentally and how adaptable our bodies are - it's very powerful to witness. We are self-healing machines.
And maybe most importantly, back to standing up against the Ego to release the silly subconscious programming, instead of digressing into self-sabotaging habits:
And you thought you were getting a simple answer about why to water fast... nope, not from a Pisces. Never from a Pisces.
I hope you enjoyed this journey of getting clear first to myself of WHY I am water-fasting, and also helpful for you to make sure you're doing it for the right reasons as well if you feel called. Always make sure you're medically ready for a fast and have medical support for any extended fast, such as the one I am doing.
Stay tuned for the results, I can feel a lot of awesome-ness coming through during this transitory time into a beautiful, new chapter already! Cheers (with the best natural spring water, of course!)